Tag Archives: Film

Fair Play (2023).

Protagonists you wish to hook in the face here … with Gazza’s fishing rod. 

How relevant this is, a tiny coterie of tech geeks manipulating your usual stock-trading inverted universe. Always despised goblins like this, their nauseating patter and lack of manners. But that’s another wee spiel.

As vexing as the encroaching-upon-a-sledge-hammer set-up it is, we do have here depicted a relatable workplace malice, and nights out that segue to a tumbleweed on a Monday morning.  

The shagging scenes were embarrassing to watch. I’ve never seen such painful, smug foreplay and failed pumping in a movie. It would have been marvelous if Mr. Blobby stomped in and jizzed on the pair. 

Anyway, this aside, it was mostly splendid and for long periods it was 86% fully intriguing, a throwback thriller with thoroughly loathsome characters. 

Michael Douglas should have been in it.

And the impeccable Eddie Marsan features. He’s one of the best working today, ever since Paul Bettany fed him a butty in Gangster No.1 (1999).

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The Kitchen (2023).

This was almost captivating for 15 minutes and might have presented itself as a candidate for entrance into decent short movie territory. 

But it was shite. 50 mins in, it was starting to descend into being even worse than shite, which isn’t pleasant, really.

So I turned it off. 

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Dawn of the Planet of the Apes (2014).

Billed as Gary Oldman and some apes, this mostly entails having to watch the insufferable Jason Clarke and his begging antics at the feet of simians. It’s an okay movie despite this monumental bore of an actor.

I turned it off at 64 minutes. I couldn’t see it getting any better and frustration was starting to kick in.

The hairy fellows aren’t much different from denizens of certain areas of Edinburgh. The difference here is that the chimps can speak properly. 

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Beverly Hills Cop: Axel F (2024).

Happy times with Eddie.

This is either going to be absolute shite or okay, i.e., tolerable for nostalgia reasons, on a level of not being shite. Either way, they really need to stop making these things and just create something approaching brave material. Leave good movies alone, stop fiddling with them, cease from converting their original intent into a contemporary, i.e., pathetic, cultural minefield of human beings identifying as staplers.

But it’s going to get way worse before the baloney ends.

Fucking cretins.

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Belfast (2021).

What a talented director this lad can be. 

I didn’t know he was from Belfast and always assumed he was born in the Old Vic, such are the depths of his Shakespeare. 

Decent movie. Nothing in it annoyed me.

It wasn’t rubbish. And that’s all that matters. 

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Tom Wilkinson was the best.

In almost everything, he quietly steals the show. No histrionics or chewing the scenery, but an impeccable talent to convince in every role – mob boss, downtrodden miner, creepy CIA handler. I suppose that’s acting. He excelled at projecting an inscrutable authority, rarely perturbed, but you can see that he’s seething.

Go-to performance, a remarkable gig in Todd Field’s quite brilliant In the Bedroom (2000):

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Annihilation (2018).

I spent most of this intriguing movie wondering at what point the twist was going to occur or when the deus ex machina would reveal it all to be the figment of the protagonist’s imagination. It put me off fully enjoying the thrills as I was permanently searching for the clues. Maybe it would have worked better as just sheer hokum but there’s plenty of that around.

The bickering between the leads is tedious but the script needs to reach its finale, so you have to endure these non-characters argue away. But this aside, you’re not quite sure what’s going on and the momentum helps you stay involved.

Decent action with some thought-provoking ideas.

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FairyTale: A True Story (1997).

Harvey Keitel and Peter O’Toole in the same movie piqued my interest, and it’s all innocent and charming enough, the fairies a countryside escapism from the horrors of late modernity, WWI ruining the illusion for everyone.

It should be far more engrossing but it isn’t and just ends up being awfully British – rudimentary camerawork, score from a Sunday church service, barely competent actors who’ve littered a hundred other mediocre British films.  

Why I’m being so harsh on such a nothing movie aimed at kids I don’t know. 

That’s enough for today. 

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Get Carter (2000).

Sometimes in life you watch a movie and as you partake in this activity, you ask: “Why does this film exist? Why am I watching this?”

And that’s Get Carter (2000), the stinky remake of the fabled classic. 

I know folk on the dole who could make a better film, merely by instinct.

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300 (2006).

Stupid, pointless, boring, and in moments exceptionally entertaining. 

Just think, Thermopylae happened once. And this is the most arty result, its cinematic legacy. Was it worth it? 

You have Jimmy McNulty in robes. 

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