We Were Soldiers (2002). Absolute pish.

I hated this movie not for its message but because of how stupid and ineptly shit it was. The cinematographer appears to think that a telephoto shot of a person, without any relationship to his environment, is somehow visually arresting. You don’t have any sense of geography within the scene. What else?

The worst piece of writing has two lads playing basketball telling the audience that Mad Mel is a war college graduate and academic baller. Because he has to be infallible.

And then the truly non-talented, un-talented Sam Elliot arrives with his usual grouchy schtick. The bloke is an utter pain to movies, and there is no point to him.

I hate films like this.

Because they’re stupid.

The Final Days (1989).

A blow-by-blow history lesson overstuffed with unnecessary voice-over, but it’s almost worth watching just to witness Lane Smith as Tricky Dick.

I perceived myself to be in a precarious position, uncomfortably viewing the editor from Lois & Clark: The New Adventures of Superman (1993-1997) fiddle, half-pished, with a 1970s tape device (whatever they were), but it was a privileged prism through which to appreciate the final days of Richard Milhous Nixon.

Waste of time. But I’ve seen worse movies. There’s always a more rotten film.

Try getting this slice of ’90s nostalgia out of your head:

The King of Comedy (1982).

This movie got so uncomfortable, for the sixth viewing, that yes, it was a wee bit of a struggle – was celebrity worship like this before the internets? – to not turn it off, Scorsese pushing the awkwardness to the max.

De Niro’s strange concoction that is Rupert Pupkin keeps turning up, the proverbial gatecrasher, won’t take no for an answer and as confident as can be, wholly without any insight into his own insanity. He’s Travis Bickle but less visually threatening. But just as mental.

Celebrity is the answer to this lad’s problems in the most static, non-expressionist masterpiece Scorsese made. The visual discipline even works in its favour in how it defines the insufferable presence of this Pupkin creation.

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The Shadow (1994).

For a movie exclaiming to be all about the gargantuan power of the mind and the grand role of shadows as a visual metaphor (about … something), it displays scant interest in either.

I don’t know what this is meant to be. I don’t think anyone in it knew, either.

But it’s certainly pish.

Alec Baldwin, somehow the least annoying Baldwin of four vexing Baldwins, did have most of the attributes you’d apply to leading man goodies – aside from likeability. He even peacocks his Austin Powers/Ryan Giggs chest hair/love rug here with no irony attempted. B for Baldwin effort.

But he’s still delusional in his attempts at the hero role because he’s rubbish at it.

Some actors are better when they’re that frazzled weirdo in a supporting role.

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What Women Want (2000). Fucking hell.

This was free so I watched it. And I had nothing else to do.

This frankly bizarre (that it exists), slim excuse of a movie is from the Mad Mel era when he was mad but not as mad as he blossomed into when his directorial efforts, all brutal belters bordering on the sublime, began to unleash his inner … madness.

What do women want? Not a lot according to this motion picture. In fact, all of their thoughts appear to revolve around men, and especially Mad Mel for he’s so damn sexy, isn’t he?

About 34 minutes into this, I felt kind of embarrassed and ashamed. But I watched it all because I have no life.

I can only apologise.

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Blackhat (2015).

An all-engulfing snooze which doesn’t quite understand its subject matter, its technological obsessions appearing as suppositions, you don’t believe a minute of it. And it’s boring, most boring.

You’re asked to be invested in scenes that have no meaning; there are no characters and the only dialogue the speakers spew out is unfettered jargon. We also have cringe effects, like Michael Mann wasn’t aware that a groovy POV shot in a mainframe has been regurgitated a hundred times since the 56K modem took a shit.

There is also a scene in this that channels a seminal moment in Manhunter (1986) when Will Graham figures out that Francis Dolarhyde has seen the home vids, with “You son of a bitch” the declarative sentence. I was horrified at how the director has ripped off his own work.

What a rotten, pathetic movie Blackhat (2015) is.

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Cinderella Man (2005).

It’s obviously ravenous for Oscars, and it’s obviously a Ron Howard movie. And Renée Zellweger produces one of her worst shamelessly squeaky ‘performances’. Can this person act in anything? Rhetorical question alert. She’s an utter pain in everything, a desperate, squishy, attention-seeking pain.

Fortunately, Ms. Painweger doesn’t sink the movie, which is as formulaic as they come but not without merit. The boxing stuff is fabulous, not exactly Raging Bull (1980), but what could be? Only an 18 certificate and Martin Scorsese are capable of somehow transforming the brutality of the sport into impressionist art.

The Great Depression stuff is the main draw, and it’s fucking depressing. Economic meltdown. People turning on people. Ordinarily respectable folk resorting to crime. The themes are contentious: put everything into land or brick and mortar. Money is illusory. And no one knows anything.

Something like that.

Marty Supreme (2025).

Talk about pizzazz and energy. This is the type of movie Paul Thomas Anderson used to make, may he rest in peace. I know absolutely fuck all about ping-pong other than that Forrest Gump aced it once, but I’m sure it’s not as exciting as depicted here.

Breathless fun.

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Broken Arrow (1996).

What a slog this was! John Woo appears to have slept through the filming process as it’s so anonymous and so non-distinct in its framing and editing you’d never have guessed he directed it.

Highlight is the incongruous score that somehow featured in Scream 2 (1997).

The rest is balls.

Saviour (1998).

This was excellent throughout, with Dennis Quaid doing his serious thing with aplomb, and the always interesting Stellan Skarsgård in a typically strong supporting turn. He even sparks up a doobie at one point.

Impressive.