Arlington Road (1999).

The opening credits sequence in this middling, moderately entertaining thriller were so fucking annoying in their aping of the classic Kevin Spacey-free Seven (1995) titles that I almost turned it off out of disgust.

It ends up being okay, if as predictable as it gets. It does take on a certain contentiousness with its theme of domestic terrorism and anti-government radicalism.

Worth a bash, even if Jeff Bridges is rubbish. He’s always rubbish.

Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves (1991).

How to describe Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves (1991) to someone yet to have ‘the experience’ – it’s nuts.

Kevin Costner is in it with a receding hairline/mullet combo. He leads a gang of Midlands-based Bolsheviks with American accents who spend their time chilling in Sherwood Forest and robbing successful people of their hard-earned cash – it’s an unintentional allegory.

Morgan Freeman is also in it, and he seems to have adopted an accent that’s straight outta Cool Runnings (1994). The best bit of the yarn is when they get from Dover to Nottingham, Alan Rickman’s domain, via Hadrian’s Wall.

It’s an insane movie and looks like it was made merely to test whether an insane movie could be a success.

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Snake Eyes (1998).

After a grand opening sequence shot that showcases all of Brian De Palma’s predilection/fetish for needless aesthetics with an absence of characterisation or an acknowledgement of any world outside his own wee wanky technical exercises, this descends into a non-movie student project.

Apologies for the length of that sentence.

The most intriguing aspect of this legit pile of crap is that the excellent character actor Kevin Dunn is in it and interacts with a character named ‘Kevin Dunne’ played by Gary Sinise. But once again this is De Palma being all clever and self-referential instead of crafting a story.

Avoid.

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The Break-Up (2006). The pain was real.

I watched this in its entirety to marvel at the stupidity on display.

You don’t believe a thing in it, every line a concoction, every utterance a glib metaphor. The worst – the wee friends they have, these quirky one-dimensional supportive sock puppets who supply witty quips to the leads, just to remind the audience that this stock couple are popular.

Their pals exist merely for them, to boost their egos, to provide uncanny psychological insight. Personally, I’d rather be pals with a squirrel than any of the unbearable cunts mugging it in this sickly romcom, the most abysmal of its ilk.

0/5.

Trading Places (1983).

A comedy with … you know, wits … that even has a bit of a brain. This was 1983, though, when you were allotted a bit of ‘lolz’.

This is a scattershot sociological satire (accidental alliteration), The Prince and the Pauper (1881) meets a raucous, but never annoying Eddie Murphy. The lad was on fire back then, a veritable motormouth meteor on stage and screen.

I ran out of metaphors.

There are spooky harbingers here: one’s dependence upon financial institutions, and how easy one can be ‘cut off’ from access to ‘legit’ money, the speed of the downfall from mansion to slum dwelling.

I found some of it quite disturbing in its foreboding, and the unfunny periods at least have these serious elements.

Top movie.

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Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil (1997).

I’ve not seen it and most likely never will.

Are there awards for posters, though?

Lions for Lambs (2007).

This should just be the Tom Cruise Show, 90 mins of him unravelling during an interview – think of Magnolia (1999) when his cocksure ‘Master of the Muffin’ gets exposed as a secret caregiver with feelings.

An ambitious fail, the two other stories in Lions don’t coalesce with this gripping centre.

A shame.

They Live (1988).

John Carpenter – and what happened to him? – is almost a student filmmaker with a broad canvas. He makes, or made as he’s seemingly retired from the director’s chair, entirely self-contained movies that are immediately identifiable in their style, and it goes without saying but I’ll say it, anyway – the music. He defines the B-movie and I could never imagine him making anything outside the parameters of the genre.

This is a good one. The social commentary and allegorical play on industrial decline isn’t exactly subtle, but it doesn’t matter. Piper’s sunglasses revealing pernicious subliminal content disseminated by the powers that be – I was almost expecting a Marshall McLuhan cameo, à la Annie Hall (1977).

Top movie. Daft, but with chuckles.

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Khartoum (1966). Why does this exist?

I mean, just look at Laurence Olivier.

What were they thinking? What was he thinking? Were they thinking?

I lasted 14 minutes.

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Metro (1997).

This one has three narrative strands that go absolutely nowhere and by the one-hour mark the movie just descends into a parody of its own genre. I don’t even know what the title is referring to.

It’s crap but I liked it. There is good crap and bad crap. This is good crap. Maybe it’s the Michael Wincott voice.

Probably that.