Tag Archives: Film

The King of Comedy (1982).

This movie got so uncomfortable, for the sixth viewing, that yes, it was a wee bit of a struggle – was celebrity worship like this before the internets? – to not turn it off, Scorsese pushing the awkwardness to the max.

De Niro’s strange concoction that is Rupert Pupkin keeps turning up, the proverbial gatecrasher, won’t take no for an answer and as confident as can be, wholly without any insight into his own insanity. He’s Travis Bickle but less visually threatening. But just as mental.

Celebrity is the answer to this lad’s problems in the most static, non-expressionist masterpiece Scorsese made. The visual discipline even works in its favour in how it defines the insufferable presence of this Pupkin creation.

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The Shadow (1994).

For a movie exclaiming to be all about the gargantuan power of the mind and the grand role of shadows as a visual metaphor (about … something), it displays scant interest in either.

I don’t know what this is meant to be. I don’t think anyone in it knew, either.

But it’s certainly pish.

Alec Baldwin, somehow the least annoying Baldwin of four vexing Baldwins, did have most of the attributes you’d apply to leading man goodies – aside from likeability. He even peacocks his Austin Powers/Ryan Giggs chest hair/love rug here with no irony attempted. B for Baldwin effort.

But he’s still delusional in his attempts at the hero role because he’s rubbish at it.

Some actors are better when they’re that frazzled weirdo in a supporting role.

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What Women Want (2000). Fucking hell.

This was free so I watched it. And I had nothing else to do.

This frankly bizarre (that it exists), slim excuse of a movie is from the Mad Mel era when he was mad but not as mad as he blossomed into when his directorial efforts, all brutal belters bordering on the sublime, began to unleash his inner … madness.

What do women want? Not a lot according to this motion picture. In fact, all of their thoughts appear to revolve around men, and especially Mad Mel for he’s so damn sexy, isn’t he?

About 34 minutes into this, I felt kind of embarrassed and ashamed. But I watched it all because I have no life.

I can only apologise.

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Blackhat (2015).

An all-engulfing snooze which doesn’t quite understand its subject matter, its technological obsessions appearing as suppositions, you don’t believe a minute of it. And it’s boring, most boring.

You’re asked to be invested in scenes that have no meaning; there are no characters and the only dialogue the speakers spew out is unfettered jargon. We also have cringe effects, like Michael Mann wasn’t aware that a groovy POV shot in a mainframe has been regurgitated a hundred times since the 56K modem took a shit.

There is also a scene in this that channels a seminal moment in Manhunter (1986) when Will Graham figures out that Francis Dolarhyde has seen the home vids, with “You son of a bitch” the declarative sentence. I was horrified at how the director has ripped off his own work.

What a rotten, pathetic movie Blackhat (2015) is.

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Marty Supreme (2025).

Talk about pizzazz and energy. This is the type of movie Paul Thomas Anderson used to make, may he rest in peace. I know absolutely fuck all about ping-pong other than that Forrest Gump aced it once, but I’m sure it’s not as exciting as depicted here.

Breathless fun.

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Days of Thunder (1990).

In a noisy worship of star wattage, it’s all about Cruise – the cocky rookie with the hair, the teeth, the swag, but the inevitable soft underbelly – in what must have been pitched and billed as “Top Gun on wheels”, or is that the lazy retrospective narrative?

Aside from the curiosity factor, mainly how on earth this even got made, it’s a fucking bore for the ages that offers negligible reasons for your investment. Highlights: Erstwhile senator Fred Thompson plays an authority figure, and Michael Rooker plays a Michael Rooker character.

Less a movie than a glossy music video with a few inchoate ideas twirling around, occasionally intersecting amidst the deafening, pointless racket, one gets the impression this was written without cars in mind, but somehow they found their way into the ‘story’.

This one’s a long shift.

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Eyes Wide Shut (1999) is funny.

There is a cringe-worthy delight to be found in just how mundane and pointless the conversations are in this gloriously weird movie, and by Kubrick’s design. Every interaction is awkward beyond belief.

The lad clearly didn’t think humans were the most eloquent bunch, and the dialogue here is Grade A stinky, the sort of exchanges one endures in an office, and on closer scrutiny in most scenarios in which one must converse.

I’ve not placed Eyes Wide Shut (1999) into the category of comedy before, but it’s a funny one, especially in the early hours when you’ve tanned too many Blue WKDs and require a chuckle.

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Cromwell (1970).

The pompous, pathetic (and bathetic) opening here, and I’m talking the first two minutes, is so beyond reproach in its inflated histrionics, I almost gave up right there and then. But I refrained from jettisoning Cromwell (1970) in favour of a nap as I thought I just might be in for a hammy treat, regardless of the garbage factor.

I lasted another seven minutes before terminating this worthless tripe, in which Richard Harris’s eponymous quasi-revolutionary literally looks permanently constipated.

If we’re on the theme of excrement, the movie has a desperate stink to it, clearly wishing to ape the likes of peak David Lean as an epic biopic of a British titan, and it even features Alec Guinness.

Sadly, it’s shite.

.

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Rise Of The Footsoldier: Part II (2015).

This has a very liberal use of the F-word. It’s the director’s way of making his protagonist (also the director) appear to be an ‘ard cunt, but then as every sub-soap opera actor in this torporific wreck is constantly swearing for no apparent reason, and they all look and act the same, it’s impossible to distinguish one non-talented sub-soap opera ‘actor’ from the other. I was reminded of Alien 3 (1992) with its prison of shaven-headed felons and how they all may as well have been played by the same actor; this movie is just like that, but sadly an alien doesn’t arrive and casually murder everyone.

We also have loadsamoney and loadsacoke and lads constantly smoking, and cups of tea and scenes propelled with mundane chat around whether someone wants a cup of tea in this cruddy, turgid mess of a turd that has no reason to exist and essentially consists of non-characters sat in a room brooding when they aren’t leathering someone. I don’t even know what this film was meant to be about.

The worst example of British cinema.

A strong 0/5.

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Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (2004).

For a topic seemingly so universal, this movie is trivial overkill to the max. Schematic, derivative, dire in its desperation to be something elevated beyond your standard Woody-Allen-with-an-edge (the edge is memory wiping in this one) snapshot of relationships, it stinks of needy filmmaking, and I’d lump it down there with Garden State (2004) as one of the worst of that era.

The boredom levels were high. I was mostly just … bored, even if everyone in it aside from Tom Wilkinson is a vexing hysteric. In this way, the film is insightful. People who dye their hair don’t have an actual personality. In general.

The lad who just wishes to make his birdhouse, though. He was funny:

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