Napoleon (2023).
I wish this would have just been about the Battle of Waterloo (1815) as it’s the only time this movie truly ignites, and that’s despite the battlefield inaccuracies and the atrocious performance of Rupert Everett as the Duke of Wellington, the ’90s throwback playing Wellesley as a snarling thug rather than aristocratic master of defensive battle.
The first 45 minutes are great, Napoleon awestruck by Joséphine and proceeding to act in the most hilariously childlike manner, a supreme baby smitten. It’s very funny and it’s a shame it didn’t stay this way, a couple’s domestic melodrama taken to the extremes of the world stage. Unfortunately, what follows is a series of scenes from your basic high school history lesson with nothing holding them together. Don’t expect a character study but a truncated telling of events. It’s an enigmatic performance from Phoenix and he’s always engrossing; the drama, however, is zilch.
Hurried, unfocused, and often boring, it’s a technical marvel with sumptuous visuals but a decent script would have helped. There’s no sense of the wider historical forces that enabled or expanded the Napoleonic Wars, or any concerted attempt to explore the lad’s mammoth fall. Here, it just … happens.
I’ll wait for the four-hour cut I keep hearing about.
The Hangover (2009). Horrible.
I mind this being “hilarious” back in the day. I think I might have lost my mind. It’s a rubbish piece of work, barely funny, and just nasty. Some of the lines are shocking, the story is ludicrous, and there is an unbearable air of smugness to it all. The cast are also insufferable, really mediocre actors. Oh, we had a wild night and that’s somehow rib-splitting. Grow up. Plonkers.
I hated it and you should too.
Reptile (2023).
I had no deep interest in anything that happened within the narrative of this bog-standard thriller, but the atmosphere is captivating.
It’s a mood piece, and best appreciated as that. And the tension in a few scenes was … exhaling (proper audience member verb over here).
I recommend it if you’ve got nothing else to do.
And Herc from The Wire is in it.
Insomnia (2002) is phenomenal.
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Al Pacino is so haggard here. It’s the most beaten-down human I’ve seen in a film and I hope it wasn’t method. I’ve been two days without sleep and I’ve hallucinated (Ah, Estonia Bantz 2011). Alcohol was the only solution but this guy doesn’t do any of that and just seems intent on torturing himself. It’s the best I’ve seen from one of our most lauded thesps.
Robin Williams turns up and he is diabolically insane in this role; he’s Mrs. Doubfire gone crackers. The acting ability of this bloke was quite something. There is “going dark” and then this. He just had an extraordinary gift for the theatrical and could tone it down when the script demanded.
Nothing exemplary here but it’s elevated by the off-the-charts acting and the pristine way the director frames and cuts.
It makes Alaska look lovely despite the ghastly happenings within the narrative.
Top film.
Not bad for a spot of DIY.
Martijn Doolaard makes the most mesmerising videos you’ll see anywhere. They shouldn’t be, but the tranquil simplicity distinguishes the content. And he’s doing something, not filming a cat with a selfie stick.
There’s a Robert Bresson quality here. An inspiration.
The Killer (2023).
It wasn’t memorable.
Nothing else to report.
Bye for now.
Get Gotti (Netflix).
More valuable than most with its refreshing insight into procedural techniques, and it doesn’t delve much into the cultural appeal of Gotti at the time of his Al Capone status; why bother to dissect the masses’ tendency to elevate cunts into heroes? This creative decision was a relief (we could be here all fucking day).
I liked it mainly because the makers have clearly fashioned the music, the titles, the cinematography … the whole works on Drive (2011). That’s funny. I can picture the production team sitting down to watch the Gosling (birthing into ‘Gosling’) picture and concluding, “Our three-part series shall be Drive with a voice-over.”
Which it is.
Mortal Kombat (2021).
The brawls were okay but this was mostly a bore. The original video game spin-off from 1995 is cheesy hokum but it’s at least memorable. The characters in that pile of dirge hardly have dimensions but their one-liners make them stand out. That and you’ve got the techno soundtrack.
This was dull. And full of needless swearing which quickly tires.
Stick to the ’90s.
Napoleon (2023). Please be good. Please don’t be shite.
When Ridley gets it right, he gets it very right. I want to see a belter, something magical and magisterial. My hopes and prayers are with all involved.
Wanderings and ... wonderings. 