Mar 15 2025
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Art, Cinema, Film, Movie, Movies

The Ghost and the Darkness (1996).

Was my fond memory of this movie clouded by nostalgia? Of course it was, but it’s not entirely rubbish.

We have embarrassingly cruddy dialogue exchanges and a bog-standard voice-over which is so nondescript it could be applied to a hundred movies. It runs out of ideas after 45 minutes, but looks and sounds glorious despite all the unchallenged British imperialism on display. 

There is a ‘wasted opportunity’ dimension to it, given the highly respected screenwriter William Goldman penned the screenplay, and the Michael Douglas deuteragonist is as multi-dimensional as a Ned robbing Toilet Duck from a Lidl, in broad daylight, wearing a tracksuit from 1977. And Ice Man and Gekko’s methods of snaring this man-eating beastly duo aren’t imaginative and wearily become tiresome. 

It’s nothing special; it’s not garbage, either, because it’s kind of funny.

But I don’t think Roger Ebert liked it much.

Even if Alex Ferns, a.k.a. wife-beating EastEnders villain Trevor Morgan, makes an appearance.

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Mar 13 2025
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Alita: Battle Angel (2019).

Eavesdropping on the Lothian Buses no. 29 bus brought me here. 

Christoph Waltz features so I thought it worth a proverbial bash. It looks spectacular in an anonymous way. It’s cliche-ridden to the max. It gets boring very quickly.

I evacuated after 34 minutes.

Next.

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Mar 10 2025
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Ghost Ship (2002).

The opening is ingenious, a peach of gleefully shameless gore and sadly the rest of the movie can’t top it. It’s a neat wee concept for a horror but it’s as predictable as you get. I made a wee bet (with myself) that one of the characters would allude to the Mary Celeste. Within half an hour they did exactly that. 

These movies are funny – actor-stars like Gabriel Byrne turning up in dross for the lolly. Why not? I’d do the same if I were still offered decent scripts after my sins. 

Some of the kills were amusing. It looks fine enough. It’s stupid, but I wasn’t bothered. A shitter to watch if you’re ever on a DFDS Seaways and you have fuck all else to do as the bar has closed.

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Mar 06 2025
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Art, Cinema, Crime, Technology, Uncategorized, United States

Zero Day (2025).

Bobby De Niro in his first major TV role, with Jesse Plemons, the thespian formerly known as Meth Damon. I am embarrassed to report the embarrassing antics on display in this terrible miniseries.

It’s all about De Niro being infallible and imperious as the ex-Prez, our immaculately tailored Jack Bauer protagonist for 2025, an eager biographer relaying all the noble details of his presidency to the audience within 10 minutes of screen time. It’s lazy and dull, and the straw that broke this viewer’s back was our humble former chief’s speech at the rubble of an attack; it was like Bush with the bullhorn at Ground Zero, but suffused with your overbearing De Niro moralising.

This is mainly about Bobby trying to show everyone how to be presidential. I terminated the tripe right there, never to return.

Some reviewers are kind to the show. I’m sure it’s compelling if you can tolerate the grandstanding.

Pish.

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Mar 03 2025
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Art, Cinema, Crime, Film, Movie, Movies

Blink Twice (2024).

The funereal pace of the exposition does it no favours; it was painful enduring this and it didn’t stop being dull for a long time in this never-ending crawl to the big reveal that you knew was coming from the off. All the characters were daft and vexing beyond belief, the type of folk I’d go out of my way to annoy – petty pursuits like sprinkling a bit of the ol’ Cyanide in their cocktails for a private wee chortle. 

The premise didn’t go anywhere unexpected and any social commentary was hamstrung by conformity to genre convention and reliance on cheap splatter … which is all the movie really is.

But it did get moderately entertaining once the faffing around ceased. 

2/5. 

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Feb 27 2025
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American Manhunt: O.J. Simpson.

I’ve lost track of O.J. docs and dramas and docudramas of recent years.

But this is … spellbinding, which is perhaps not the most sensitive way to refer to the official Trial of the Century. 

Only in America could this creature get away with it.

Feb 24 2025
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Woman of the Hour (2023).

This kind of nails the age – or how I imagine what this glitzy but grotty period was like. 

I do enjoy a wee slice of ’70s kitsch, even if it features creepy, sleazy men in their element. That and the obligatory strangler. It’s quite depressing viewing when you’re reminded of the media of bygone ages, three networks and no other alternate content. All folk did back in the day, it appears, was supinely plonk themselves in front of a box every evening like veggies, not a modicum of purpose in the endeavour. I’ve been there; I was a cabbage.

Any fool who appears on a game show has to be hampered with serious deep-seated issues, and this includes Ronald Reagan on ‘What’s my Line?‘. And on the serial killer stuff, never trust a stranger possessing the hair of Meat Loaf. 

Good movie.

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Feb 20 2025
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Art, Cinema, Crime, Film, Uncategorized

Under Siege 2: Dark Territory (1995).

I don’t care that Steven Seagal is a conceited asshole with zero acting talent, Under Siege 2: Dark Territory (1995) is a bloody great movie – funny, thrilling, and better than the first outing. This was when Sensei Seagal’s ego was bananas but could be justified through bone-crunching mayhem that was pulled off so well, you believe it when Casey Ryback doesn’t even get a scratch on him after 90 minutes of knife fights.

Not these days. He’s a fucking pie presently.

Bye for now.

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Feb 17 2025
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Art, Cinema, Film, Movie, Movies

Addams Family Values (1993).

Ludicrous movie – part satire, part macabre black comedy. 

They are a weirdo household, oddball vestiges from another century but somehow less nuts than the WASP irritants they must interact with. It’s a lot of fun and and I didn’t snore once. 

And spot Peter MacNicol, a.k.a. Dr. Janosz Poha. And Harmony from Buffy. And Chandler Bing’s unfunny boss. And a dozen more familiar faces. 

Christopher Lloyd’s Uncle Fester with carrot sticks up his nostrils should not be funny. But it is. 

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Feb 12 2025
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Art, Film, Movie, Movies, Uncategorized

Slumdog Millionaire (2008).

This was okay but the hoopla and hysteria around it, encapsulated in some quite bonkers spunking on the flick at awards seasons, had me confused. 

I didn’t know it was a multiple Oscar winner, and I don’t know why. My conclusion here is that the Oscars are meaningless and movies aren’t judged outwith the the realm of the political, the contentious – trends trumping genuine art.

It’s a good movie, though. But it’s no masterpiece.

Jai Ho! 

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