Category Archives: Movies

The Bourne movies have reached Netflix.

I’ve said on countless occasions to anyone and no one that the Bourne films easily supplant the modern Bonds in terms of a ‘hyper-realism’ because they are the right spy for this era – dodgy government agencies who are an extension of those governments, expendable employees prone to paranoia and literal identity crisis, a globalised landscape with overlapping institutions all out to screw you/each other.

In recent pictures, i.e., the Daniel Craig shit-bombs, Bond has essentially imitated Bourne, jettisoning some of the more ludicrous gadgets of the later Pierce Brosnan entries and going back to basics. Unfortunately, the filmmakers have missed the point and also lost the plot. Bond is Bond. Bourne is Bourne. Skyfall (2012) and the like are so schematic it’s embarrassing.

But enough about 007. What the Bourne movies did so well was capture that post-9/11 zeitgeist – expanded government powers, loss of individual freedoms for reasons of national security (or whatever), the sense that the rule of law is entirely flexible. They are also thrillingly unpredictable. You actually believe the carnage on display, and believe in the character and his mission to remember yet atone. It’s convincing.

The Bourne Supremacy (2004) is the big one for me. It’s the dazzling city-hopping angle of it, the Berlin centrepiece, the unexpected death of a central character which is ruthless but entirely necessary in motivating the protagonist. And that bonkers Moscow car chase.

These movies are more than mere thrillers; they are as much about a bloke’s weary relation to his time and place as they are his mission objectives. Someone once described the pictures to me as ‘existential’.

I think I know what he meant.

Further reading/viewing:

https://orlandoinformer.com/blog/jason-bourne-stuntacular-story-explained/

https://indianexpress.com/article/entertainment/hollywood/jason-bourne-films-were-a-wake-up-call-for-james-bond-franchise-paul-greengrass-6455152/

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American Gigolo (1980) is beyond cool.

I mean, look at that fucking poster! Cool as milk, as is the movie. The script is a bit too melodramatic and Schrader is clearly a little too much obsessed with the cinema of Robert Bresson – the ending is almost shot-for-shot Pickpocket (1959). But the movie is pure sleek, art deco deluxe. And to top it off you’ve got Blondie and Giorgio Moroder on soundtrack duties.

Peak Richard Gere. No one plays the narcissist as well as he can.

Once more with feeling:

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Dark Water (2002) flashbacks on Fountainbridge.

Terrifying scenes the other evening. It all came flooding back (no pun intended). This was some movie back in the day. And like most of these Japanese and South Korean horrors from the noughties, it was subject to an inferior American remake.

They need to stop doing this because they are still doing it.

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More Alex DeLarge visions.

I like to frequent this little Anthony Burgess habitat at least once a year to remind me of one of the greatest movies ever put on celluloid. When I depart I say to myself, “I was cured alright.”

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Gangs of New York (2002) will never fail to piss me off.

This movie had so much potential; during its production I was sincerely anticipating the greatest motion picture event … ever. Upon first viewing I desperately wanted to love it but couldn’t help but make a mental note of everything about the shitter which vexed me. There was something seriously wrong with this movie.

It is pointlessly and relentlessly weird, depicting 1860s New York as something out of a comic book. I’m sure the experience of living in what was by all accounts a cesspit approximating a cartoon strip at times, but it simply can’t have been as baroque as the ludicrous fancy dress show on display in GONY.

The movie has this irritating tendency for revelling in micro details about stuff that has zilch to do with the overall narrative, as if it’s half history lesson and half entertainment. I see no reason for the Manhattan draft riots to be treated with such gravity. This is the only Scorsese film in which he appears overwhelmed by the material, which I find completely baffling as it’s about New York, crime, and religion, his cinema oeuvre.

Weirdly (again), it is bereft of energy. It feels like a painful Baz Luhrmann film, the cinematography and editing just jarring – insert bonkers Speedy Gonzales shot here, a rapid cut there. Even the voice-over is draining. And it ends with a U2 song and a shot of the Twin Towers. Is this MTV?

And why even insert Cameron Diaz in this? Her ‘accent’ (or whatever) is diabolical, as is Leo’s. The latter appears way out of his depth, evidently awed by the full-method Daniel Day-Lewis. I must also confess that I think it’s the great Day-Lewis’ worst ever performance. He’s just comedy, nothing else; I can’t take him seriously any time he gets … serious.

Sadly, I keep giving the film a chance every few years. The only parellel I can think of is when you open the fridge expecting a different result from when you opened it 30 minutes prior.

Shite.

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Ronin (1998) revisited.

My 2020 massacre of Netflix took in the refreshingly old-fashioned Ronin (1998) the other day. When I say old-fashioned, I refer to the non-CGI (as far as I could deduce) action sequences and car chases, the absence of silly comedy lines or winks to the audience in the dialogue, and the general maturity of proceedings. This is an anti-postmodern movie.

It doesn’t surprise me that the helmsman is John Frankenheimer as it does hark back to his earlier work in the ’60s and ’70s, decidedly ‘masculine affairs’ but which still retained strong female characters (Angela Lansbury, anyone?). Natascha McElhone is the woman calling the shots here, definitely not the damsel in distress among the boys.

And it’s some assemble, particularly Sean Bean who totally convinces as a bullshitter way out of his depth, and Stellan Skarsgård as your buttoned-down ex-Stasi (one presumes) tech expert who just happens to be a complete psycho. De Niro is … De Niro, but De Niro before he became a pratfalling big baby in all those godawful ‘comedies’ from the noughties and beyond.

Rather than simply recommending Ronin for its throwback action and characters, though, there’s a bit more subtextual depth to it, a sense that this is the real world for a lot of folk, independent contractors segueing from job to job, making transient connections but nothing ever more than the odd fleeting bond. It’s a story of existential loneliness and a relatable one.

And regarding the MacGuffin, the perpetually elusive case which drives the narrative. Like Pulp Fiction (1994), we are never privy to the contents. It doesn’t matter.

Further reading:

https://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/ronin-1998

https://movie-locations.com/movies/r/Ronin.php

https://www.autoweek.com/car-life/a1707451/ronin-20-years-later-john-frankenheimers-spy-thriller-car-fanatics/

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Rome memories.

A few snaps from my Rome sojourn popped up on one of those memories/flashback social media feeds that continue to remind me to jettison the silly things. But here I am, to share my profound thoughts and sublime snaps with the world.

This was back in 2015 on a trip which also took in Milan and Venice. Rome was legit stunning to look at, but it could have been so much better without a few garish elements; rather than just have the actual remnants of antiquity remaining as … well, themselves, there loitered a whole parade of local cretins decked out in Praetorian Guard clobber and the like. It stank of tacky tourism.

The Colosseum would have also been that slightly more monumental if the local authorities (or UNESCO or whoever has ‘claim’) removed the shitty parked cars circling the arena. No one wishes to see a banged-up Fiat (or any other variety of motor) plonked outside Russell Crowe’s stomping ground.

I suppose all our venerated treasures are like this; they come with a side order of cringe. And yes, those are needless ‘vintage’ filters I stuck on the images.

2015 was a bad year for me. Clearly.

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Wearing a mask for the past six months made me think of Dredd (2012) because he never takes his helmet off.

That is, the 2012 version and not the mess from 1995 that always popped up on Channel 5 in the late ’90s. I was going to maintain that a movie featuring both Sylvester Stallone and Rob Schneider is a recipe for sci-fi disaster, but then Demolition Man (1993) was a decent film, probably because the intolerable Schneider barely speaks in it.

The 1995 one is pure cheese, but blue cheese. You can see the extent of Stallone’s ego during this time, his performance one of simple vanity. The film is Sly’s hero worship vehicle for … himself. And it’s so badly made, your bog-standard video game aesthetic.

Anyway, that was then, and this is the era of the pandemic and the search for cinematic treats; it’s more accurately been a period spent revisiting lost treasures. Dredd (2012) seemed to go under the radar and I can’t even remember it being released. My first encounter with the Judge’s reboot was in a Bangkok hotel room after a grand night of hammering Samsong Thai rum with a pal who broke 9/11 to me (true story).

This movie is cracking, and aye, he never does once take his helmet off, which I find baffling. I know the bloke isn’t a massive star but he’s certainly a widely respected and recognised thespian. It’s violence done right – it matters, has a visceral role in law enforcement, and is mandatory in certain circumstances. It’s so rare to find a comic book adaptation which portrays violence for what it is in all its explicitness.

One of the many reasons I cannot stand these Marvel movies is the sheer cheek of them; it is nonstop carnage but designed for kids. The audience rarely sees the graphic consequences of bludgeoning someone to fuck with a massive hammer. The cannon of silly films in essence trivialise their own existence.

Back to Dredd. It’s strikingly shot and choreographed, and the dystopian future on display seems reasonable as it merely amplifies the ghetto milieu of some present inner cities. It is also rather funny, most of the humour stemming from Dredd’s apparent complete nonchalance as to the dangers around him.

Get it seen.

Further reading:

https://www.ign.com/articles/2012/07/12/dredd-review

https://variety.com/2012/film/reviews/dredd-1117947892/

https://ew.com/article/2012/10/19/dredd-3d/

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Dune (2020) can’t possibly be worse than Dune (1984).

The first trailer was released the other day for the latest adaptation of the Frank Herbert classic (1965). As promising as it looks, one is wary. Has there ever been ripe source material so consistently ruined by the moving image? Aside from a few pedestrian made-for-TV films, we have the rotten behemoth, the stupor-inspiring megaflop that is Dune (1984).

Even as a child I hated it and could articulate why it was so terrible. It was like a lesson in how to make a movie boring. The screenplay is all over the place, extended scenes existing for no apparent reason, characters possessing zero capacity for thought, all washed down with ropey special effects, hammy acting, and just a general … stylistic weirdness completely out of sync with the bare bones of the story.

David Lynch, with all his auteur talents, is not a director one associates with epic spectacle and character development mirroring the vistas. He cannot help himself here, insisting on going full-Lynch. God knows why he was handpicked for this, or why he accepted the mission. And what was Sting doing there?

I convinced myself that I could not wait to watch it again for fear is the mind-killer ….

It was pathetic. I fucking hated this stinker, then and now. Everything about it is vile. It’s like Nick Cotton every time he returned to Albert Square.

This crime against humanity needs tortured.

Further reading/viewing:

https://www.theguardian.com/books/2015/jul/03/dune-50-years-on-science-fiction-novel-world

https://screenrant.com/dune-2020-trailer-movie-1984-differences-explained/

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Roger Ebert was hilarious.

Looking at some of his movie reviews, I must confess that I was in hysterics. Talk about having a way with words. This Pulitzer Prize-winning film critic (the first glorified movie geek to be awarded such an accolade) could sum up his disgust at bad cinema like no other.

He was often ‘wrong’ when it came to his dismissal of what I would call some great movies, but he always gave reasons as to why he disliked a picture. Some of his reviews traumatised filmmakers. The director/producer team of Godzilla (1998) even bizarrely used a likeness of Ebert and his At the Movies co-host Gene Siskel as characters (Ebert as the bungling ‘Mayor Ebert’) in the film as some desperate form of revenge for their slating of Independence Day (1996). It’s all here: https://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/godzilla-1998

There are so many hoots to choose from, but my personal favourite of his scathing reviews is his takedown of one of those depressingly soulless Transformers movies, this abomination a certain Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (2009).

‘If you want to save yourself the ticket price, go into the kitchen, cue up a male choir singing the music of hell, and get a kid to start banging pots and pans together. Then close your eyes and use your imagination.’

Wow.

Further reading/viewing:

https://www.mentalfloss.com/article/76485/35-movies-roger-ebert-really-hated

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