Category Archives: Movies

The Remains of the Day (1993). Just WOW.

Seen this four times now. It is impeccable and unexpectedly … devastating. I HOPED (to justify my hatred of the worst of mannered British cinema) this upstairs/downstairs malarkey to be balls but, oh no. 

Dr. L, sorry, Anthony Hopkins is an astounding thesp when he can be arsed and this wonderful film displays all of his gifts, how he can inject such a pitiful figure with pathos and something hidden but not quite revealed. What a heartless bastard this bloke is, dedicated to his duty – for folk who don’t give a tuppence about their servants’ well-being or advancement/adventures. He doesn’t know what else to do and it is purgatory witnessing it.

The Emma Thompson big-cheese housekeeper goes all-out to show how much she admires him and he is oblivious – what an infuriating fool of a character, but it’s explained why he is that way. He gets there in the end. Painfully. 

Tragedy in the best way. Get the tissues out.

And also, Fred Elliott from Corrie Street (1066-the end of the world as we know it) pops up as a district nurse in a tuxedo.

Tagged , , , , , ,

Memphis Belle (1990).

The opening voice-over reeked of amateurishness – John Lithgow narrating shots of our heroes playing football, describing a wee bit of superfluous info about them all – so I turned it off and watched a documentary about the bomber instead. 

I believe it to be the correct decision. 

Tagged , , , , , , ,

Sex, Lies, and Videotape (1989).

What a wee hunk James Spader is in this. Was he the definitive representation in human form of the peak Yuppie era? Spader is almost homeless in the sordid story yet defines that breed. If you ever needed utter sleaze he was your go-to lad. And what an unbelievably annoying little cunt he is here! His purpose is to wind the couple up, expose the facade. And they are manky things aside from the lassie from Four Weddings (1994).

Why do Americans in these films always have deep conversations in coffee shops? I sit in them and want to string myself up, such is the nausea of the establishments.

To summarise, your reviewer felt rather uncomfortable and icky viewing this brilliant movie. I suppose that was the point.

And the psychiatrist at the start is the one who asks Hannibal some rudimentary questions before the doctor brings up stiffening nipples:

Tagged , , , ,

Napoleon (2023).

I wish this would have just been about the Battle of Waterloo (1815) as it’s the only time this movie truly ignites, and that’s despite the battlefield inaccuracies and the atrocious performance of Rupert Everett as the Duke of Wellington, the ’90s throwback playing Wellesley as a snarling thug rather than aristocratic master of defensive battle.

The first 45 minutes are great, Napoleon awestruck by Joséphine and proceeding to act in the most hilariously childlike manner, a supreme baby smitten. It’s very funny and it’s a shame it didn’t stay this way, a couple’s domestic melodrama taken to the extremes of the world stage. Unfortunately, what follows is a series of scenes from your basic high school history lesson with nothing holding them together. Don’t expect a character study but a truncated telling of events. It’s an enigmatic performance from Phoenix and he’s always engrossing; the drama, however, is zilch.

Hurried, unfocused, and often boring, it’s a technical marvel with sumptuous visuals but a decent script would have helped. There’s no sense of the wider historical forces that enabled or expanded the Napoleonic Wars, or any concerted attempt to explore the lad’s mammoth fall. Here, it just … happens.

I’ll wait for the four-hour cut I keep hearing about.

Tagged , , , , , , , ,

Reptile (2023).

I had no deep interest in anything that happened within the narrative of this bog-standard thriller, but the atmosphere is captivating. 

It’s a mood piece, and best appreciated as that. And the tension in a few scenes was … exhaling (proper audience member verb over here). 

I recommend it if you’ve got nothing else to do. 

And Herc from The Wire is in it.

Tagged , , , ,

Mortal Kombat (2021).

The brawls were okay but this was mostly a bore. The original video game spin-off from 1995 is cheesy hokum but it’s at least memorable. The characters in that pile of dirge hardly have dimensions but their one-liners make them stand out. That and you’ve got the techno soundtrack.

This was dull. And full of needless swearing which quickly tires.

Stick to the ’90s.

Tagged , , , , ,

Leprechaun (1993).

Warwick Davis and a pre-Friends (one would hope) Jennifer Aniston in a movie called Leprechaun which is incidentally about a leprechaun on a murderous rampage. I can’t believe at times that these flicks exist and haven’t been erased from history, but here we are. Today, in our distorted, feverish universe of … wokeness, you wouldn’t have a midget playing a leprechaun. There would be uproar, short and tall people picketing screenings because a midget is playing a midget with bad tendencies. But then you’d get the same if the leprechaun would be CGI. “Midgets deserve work.”

Anyway, it’s rubbish. It is, after all, about a leprechaun on the loose.

Tagged , , , , ,

Page Eight (2011).

Nice wee proper slow-burning spy thriller here, with a magnificently creepy Ralph Fiennes cameo as the slippery PM trying to bury the dirt. It’s a movie of subtleties and you really need to pay attention to what the characters say, how they say it, and what they omit which you think they would say. Finely acted, tightly plotted, no irritating characters, well shot.

Worth a watch.

Tagged , , , ,

Devil in a Blue Dress (1995).

Despite my deep admiration for Denzel’s acting gifts, this movie is of little note, and I lost all interest with the central murder or anything that anyone was taking about. There’s not even a good thing about this; it is merely a copycat of Chinatown (1974).

It made no sense. The protagonist is in mortal danger yet keeps rocking back to the danger zone that is his house. Characters bubble away about how awful they have all been, but only when there’s a gun to their heads. Three goon cops – one of them Tom Sizemore – keep arriving with the same roughhouse antics over and over. 

It was all just a pain to watch despite the perfectly fine performances. If it were even shot well I’d recommend it for something – but nah. Boring, boring, boring, more boring. 

A boring film. 

Tagged , , , , , , , ,

North by Northwest (1959).

The weird behaviour of the extras and background actors in this is hilarious to watch, as is the entire movie. Cary Grant’s accent makes no sense, nor does the film. The rear projection is so bad that it can only be a Hitchcock joke. As entertainment, I enjoyed every moment of it, because it’s self-aware and self-deprecating, and most unpredictable.

I think the career of Hitch was just a case of him taking the piss out of people whilst brushing up on his film aesthetics. And that’s fine with me.

Tagged , , , , ,