Category Archives: Movie

Gladiator II (2024) is an abomination.

Pathetic, absolutely futile cinema, I was convinced for a torrid opening 20 minutes that this putrid imitator was an AI … thing. Embarrassingly, it’s a verbatim rendering of the first one, with an added siege lifted from Game of Thrones season four, episode nine.

In what passes for a story, which is an appropriation of better material out there, characters do and say the most trite things; there is even a rip-off of that scene from Ben Hur (1959) when creepy Jack Hawkins licks his lips at Charlton Heston’s oar action.

It’s a fucking ridiculously stupid, cynical, pointless and rubbish film and I can’t believe it was made.

Why does anyone still have dealings with this director? He needs banned from making movies.

Shite.

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Chopper (2000).

It’s still incredible and funny as hell. In fact, this may be the funniest non-comedy movie ever.

‘Why would I shoot a bloke – BANG – and then put him in the bloody car and whiz him off to the hospital at a hundred miles an hour? It defeats the purpose of having shot him in the first place. What’s more, it’s bloody insulting, it’s bloody insulting. I mean, am I the only bloody standover man in the country who provides a medical plan for some of these characters?’

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A Nightmare on Elm Street (1984).

The original, before Freddy was slapped on plastic lunch boxes – so the popular maxim goes. 

No shortage of invention from Wes Craven in this and for even his slasher tripe he usually has a theme or two worth exploring or something on his mind, subtext channeling his psychological preoccupations of the time. On this occasion he is a prurient fellow, teenage kicks punished by a scarred lad with knives for fingers, and in dire need of a personal shopper (that sweatshirt).

The movie is mainly just a laugh, and the set pieces are there to be admired for their ingenuity. Scary? Nah, human behaviour at bus stops is scary. The self-scan in Aldi is scary. The fact that Phil Neville garnered 59 England caps = scary. 

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Dickie’s ‘accent’ in Jurassic Park (1993) is madness.

Presently watching Jurassic Park (1993).

Richard Attenborough’s ‘Scottish’ accent is even worse than Mel Gibson’s and Mrs. Doubtfire’s combined. After a litre of Aftershock between them.

I don’t even know what this accent is meant to be as I’ve never heard something like it before.

This movie is unique.

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She Said (2022).

This was deeply uncomfortable to watch. 

I know barely a thing about the people concerned but I felt like I was on the inside for the duration of the grisly unearthing of a sordid series of manky acts by one rotten creature. And an industry enabling it. 

The movie is accomplished in this regard, though it was a box-office bomb (not exactly a shock) despite the talent involved. 

Another example of journalism accomplishing what law enforcement should but does not. 

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Hell or High Water (2016).

Hell or High Water (2016) is very much the industry’s modern Western, luxuriating in a morbid obsession with the past and lost causes, the usual broken-home narrative and the criminals bred from it, a swipe at ruthless capitalism to boot.

But it looks outrageously cinematic, despite the galore of clichés on display. Jeff Bridges is in it and it’s his worse performance; he’s so grating I muted his dialogue and admired the visuals instead of listening to him. He’s some kind of revered ‘treasure’ these days and I have never understood it. He’s been phoning in his shaggy-dog act for two decades now and it’s sadly a guarantee you’ll have to endure this tired schtick in any movie he features in.

A shite actor of limited gifts in a good movie with better actors to salvage it. And your thrilling carnage.

And the incredible cinematography.

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The Lady from Shanghai (1947).

Few motion pictures from the oeuvre of Orson Welles can be presumed as being fully realised, such is the vivid literature of production chaos accompanying each project. We have anomalies in Citizen Kane (1941) and Touch of Evil (1958) – and this the 1998 re-release that celebrated technical whiz Walter Murch translated from Welles’ 58-page instructions. Every other movie from Welles is a mess, though usually a daring and admirable work.

The enfant terrible of a hundred biographies was indulged one time only; he seldom again had the money to finish productions, or manage them, or bring his visions to satisfactory fruition. It’s one of cinemas great tragedies and there are more than plenty. He exists in this liminal world of half-realised dreams, grandiose what-might-have-beens, stunted ambition, self-sabotage, a proclivity for playing Icarus.

And The Lady from Shanghai (1947)? It’s a hoot. Despite the confusing plot (probably by design), it is technically cutting edge, with Welles’ virtuoso camera taking us on a wild ride up there with the most lauded noirs of the era. A highly funny film that verges on self-parody, especially in the courtroom scenes, it’s as weird as a Welles movie gets.

Worth watching for his ‘Irish’ accent alone.

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Star Wars: Episode III – Revenge of the Sith (2005).

It’s less clunky, and not as downright annoying as Clones. Visually, it’s a joy to behold and Ian McDiarmid is having a laugh. But it’s bereft of invention, laughs, and those operatic and iconic moments that elevated the original trilogy above its matinee inspirations. 

Anakin is so weakly written that any actor would struggle with imbuing his transition to the Dark Side with any conviction. Painful viewing for all concerned. And only George Lucas could make Samuel L. Jackson boring. 

You’re left with the impression that the film’s sole purpose is to wrap everything up smoothly and lay the groundwork for A New Hope (1977), which is all quite pointless as no backstory is needed.

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BlacKkKlansman (2018).

Adam Driver is in most of his output a horrendously insufferable watch, but he’s good in this film. You don’t have to attempt to muster the minerals to take him seriously or put up with his Emo masquerade and he emerges as quite the comedian. 

It’s just a shame that in other flicks he appears to think he’s James Dean. 

A passable, occasionally amusing movie. 

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Star Wars: Episode II – Attack of the Clones (2002).

Bad auguries from kickoff in the script department when a security guard (or whatever) emerges from a ship that’s just nestled on a landing pad and smugly announces, “We made it.”

You’re kidding me?! You just gave the impression you didn’t make it. 

What an unbridled farce it all is. But the dialogue especially is the worst of any Star Wars outing ever, characters unable to go 30 seconds without spitting nonsense or telling us what they are doing as if we are at the blind school, imperative piled upon imperative.

The editing is amateur hour. I sat incredulous, legit open-mouthed at most of the cutting choices – why Lucas cuts to another angle for no apparent reason, why he inexplicably holds a shot for an age after someone has finished speaking (gibberish).

And Yoda wielding a lightsaber is a sequence that belongs in a skip. All mystique was sucked from the green dwarf right there in a classic case of jumping the shark Yoda.

Oh, it’s a bloomin’ awful car crash of a flick and I watched it because there is something wrong with me. There’s a lot wrong with me. 

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