Category Archives: Film

Munich – The Edge of War (2021). What a dire experience this waste of a movie is.

I was a bit dubious of this because it’s a British production about WWII, which are typically dull, mannered, mawkish, and entirely made-for-TV fare. It saddens me to report that Munich is all of the above and worse. It’s fucking atrocious. I don’t know where the tendency came from to depict these world-historical events from the POVs of superfluous (and entirely made up) secondary characters, but it’s vexing. Maybe just make a movie involving the actual statesmen, nah? This pointless, drama school-level acted show even has its forgettable range of third-wheels hog the screen time.

The screenplay is annoying to the max, every line of dialogue straight out of an alleged quote stemming from an alleged secondary source. One accidental highlight: I was taken aback by a smug-as-fuck SS character who appeared to be doing a very bad impersonation of the August Diehl bad boy from Inglorious Basterds (2009) – he had his voice and mannerisms and looked like him a decade on. It’s a truly embarrassing copycat acting job. And then I realised it was actually him. It’s the only what-the-hell and almost interesting moment of a placid and pointless excursion into revisionism.

Trash. But even cruddier than your usual sort because the topic is important. I’ve read a few reviews and it’s highly regarded, with a whopping 96% rating on Rotten Tomatoes. What are these critics on?

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Jules et Jim (1962) is on.

I’d like to think that the truly great François Truffaut would be disgusted with this sneaky snap I took from behind a bus window, a wee ‘Ned’ at the back of the vessel screaming into his mobile the pros of beating a rival thug into a “fuckin’ bin”.

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The Gentlemen (2019).

This is Guy Ritchie but Ritchie without most of the silliness, as in it’s silly but less silly than his usual fare. It’s actually quite entertaining, and at least shows some interest in how crime works, its structures and ins and outs. It’s also quite accurate in its depiction of gentry and their stately manors, and the lengths they will go to maintain their country estates. Additionally, there aren’t many Jack the Lads loitering about the frame, a standard Ritchie annoyance.

The movie peters out but it’s a not entirely wasted 90 minutes. There are a few grisly scenes which capture the omniscience today of horrifying YouTube videos luxuriating in street violence, and the movie builds to the extent that you wait for a deus ex machina but unfortunately it never happens, which is kind of irritating because you’re expecting an audacious twist.

Matthew McConaughey is excellent as always, and there are lots of bunnets, a.k.a. flat caps. I like bunnets.

Worth a bash.

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Gunpowder, Treason & Plot (2004) is Robert Carlyle at his most Robert Carlyle.

For the exposition, I thought this one of the worst performances I’d ever seen. It was like Carlyle watched Richard III – play or any movie – and decided to limp about like Crookback for the duration of a gunpowder plot. And spice it up with a bit of Begbie. His James VI/I is a foul-mouthed little bastard with no grace or manners, an opportunistic cockroach who would murder an OAP for a bag of sugar.

I was thinking this and then I thought: this is 1603+. These creatures chucked one another onto bonfires and ripped their entrails apart. And the same sort would do the same today if they could. And then I got the genius of the performance.

Carlyle is keeping it real.

This is the only place I could find it. It’s very good, and with a young(ish) Michael Fassbender as Guy Fawkes:

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Nicolas Cage and a pig ….

I was never sceptical that Nicolas Cage couldn’t do it, but when you hear ominous rumours swirling about of a movie consisting of Nicolas Cage trying to find his stolen truffle pig, I was a wee bit … concerned. But I shouldn’t have been.

Cage pulls it off with aplomb (of course he would have). He excels at normal-weird, if this makes sense. I define it as weirdness with an explanation. He’s a rather unorthodox actor, to say the least, but even in flicks ripe for garbage disposal, he’s always interesting.

Pig (2021) did surprise me. It wasn’t shit or pretentious or boring. It’s a curious wee arthouse number with Cage at the centre, occasionally losing his shit as Cage does, but ultimately all in service of the character. It’s no masterpiece but feels like it should be.

He just wants his pig back.

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Villain (2020).

Shockingly not shit and occasionally great, Villain (2020) isn’t a make-believe gangster movie with fake tough guys à la Guy Ritchie. It feels real. And that’s down to the understated performances and the atmosphere of simmering menace. And the fact it’s actually shot with competence and not edited to within an inch of its life.

Craig Fairbrass has been around for decades and I never thought him a bad actor and he does have a physical presence. But I never knew he had this in him. He’s not his usual direct-to-video/straight-to-streaming lead here; it’s a long-awaited starring role in a proper movie that isn’t balls. The Rise of the Footsoldier movies, and I’ve lost track of how many of them are kicking about now, have their moments of entertaining mindless carnage but enough is enough.

I’ve never seen the Richard Burton film from 1971 and I don’t think it has anything to do with this. I won’t bother myself with it.

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The Power of the Dog (2021).

This was magisterial and a joy to watch. It’s not exactly a ‘fun’ movie but it’s captivating in its sincerity and … power. There’s a sense that at any moment something awful could happen, and that’s mostly down to Cumberbatch, who is as unpredictable as he is scary. His Phil Burbank recalls Daniel Plainview in There Will Be Blood (2007), and The Power of the Dog is quite similar to that seminal film in atmosphere and lurid landscape.

Don’t be expecting a knockout punch moment because it’s not that kind of movie, more a series of jabs, each progressively harder.

A strong contender for film of the year.

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Heartbreak Ridge (1986).

Is this the only movie ever made about the US invasion of Grenada? I’m not sure but I don’t think any others are warranted.

It’s highly entertaining stuff despite the jingoism when the invasion kicks off. In fact, they should have just ended the movie once Clint sorts out his grunts and turns the shambles of an ensemble into fighting men. I guess audiences craved/crave a shoot-out.

Clint is one hard bastard in this as usual but also funny. And I didn’t know that Mario Van Peebles could act. Perhaps I’ll give New Jack City (1991) a watch. And this wouldn’t be made today with the constant homophobic insults flying around the place. I suppose this was the go-to way to insult someone back then. A product of its time.

A strong 3/5.

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Executive Decision (1996).

This curious movie wouldn’t be made today, with its suicide bombers and hijackers. And Seagal (sort of) headlining a motion picture. The good news is he isn’t in it for long, which kind of adds to the charm. Roger Ebert’s review at the time is hilarious, “I perked right up” his description of Seagal’s death. And when a sleazy J.T. Walsh turns up in a film you just know it’s going to be a ludicrous ’90s riot.

It has the most irritating scene and character title intros ever, this digital text at the bottom of the screen with that gimmicky digital noise. You know what I’m referring to? If not, then watch it. This was an age when shite like this was churned out monthly. Almost every single one of these films contains an identical round table discussion of generals/admirals with the lone voice of reason/geeky interloper in the middle. It’s the Golden Age of shite. Before everyone got so sensitive.

Anyway, it’s a highly entertaining hoot, popcorn nonsense for a lazy Sunday.

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The Haunting (1999) gave me nightmares. Not because it’s scary but because it’s shit.

It is not scary in any way; I’ve found the state of one of my jobbies to me more terrifying. What often puzzles me upon the viewing of atrocious movies is, did they realise they were making utter rubbish or were they under the impression that a masterpiece was in the works? The lunacy of the script aside, the ‘acting’ here is hysterically bad, with Owen Wilson giving perhaps the worst ‘performance’ of 1999. One does, however, feel some sympathy for the lad given that his dialogue is from the bargain bin.

So badly shot and edited, but hilarious in unintended ways, I would recommended this to film students. We could maybe have a module: ‘This is how not to make a movie.’

Just … wow.

Even the trailer is laughable.

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