Category Archives: Film

Napoleon (2023).

I wish this would have just been about the Battle of Waterloo (1815) as it’s the only time this movie truly ignites, and that’s despite the battlefield inaccuracies and the atrocious performance of Rupert Everett as the Duke of Wellington, the ’90s throwback playing Wellesley as a snarling thug rather than aristocratic master of defensive battle.

The first 45 minutes are great, Napoleon awestruck by Joséphine and proceeding to act in the most hilariously childlike manner, a supreme baby smitten. It’s very funny and it’s a shame it didn’t stay this way, a couple’s domestic melodrama taken to the extremes of the world stage. Unfortunately, what follows is a series of scenes from your basic high school history lesson with nothing holding them together. Don’t expect a character study but a truncated telling of events. It’s an enigmatic performance from Phoenix and he’s always engrossing; the drama, however, is zilch.

Hurried, unfocused, and often boring, it’s a technical marvel with sumptuous visuals but a decent script would have helped. There’s no sense of the wider historical forces that enabled or expanded the Napoleonic Wars, or any concerted attempt to explore the lad’s mammoth fall. Here, it just … happens.

I’ll wait for the four-hour cut I keep hearing about.

Tagged , , , , , , , ,

The Hangover (2009). Horrible.

I mind this being “hilarious” back in the day. I think I might have lost my mind. It’s a rubbish piece of work, barely funny, and just nasty. Some of the lines are shocking, the story is ludicrous, and there is an unbearable air of smugness to it all. The cast are also insufferable, really mediocre actors. Oh, we had a wild night and that’s somehow rib-splitting. Grow up. Plonkers.

I hated it and you should too.

Tagged , , ,

Reptile (2023).

I had no deep interest in anything that happened within the narrative of this bog-standard thriller, but the atmosphere is captivating. 

It’s a mood piece, and best appreciated as that. And the tension in a few scenes was … exhaling (proper audience member verb over here). 

I recommend it if you’ve got nothing else to do. 

And Herc from The Wire is in it.

Tagged , , , ,

Mortal Kombat (2021).

The brawls were okay but this was mostly a bore. The original video game spin-off from 1995 is cheesy hokum but it’s at least memorable. The characters in that pile of dirge hardly have dimensions but their one-liners make them stand out. That and you’ve got the techno soundtrack.

This was dull. And full of needless swearing which quickly tires.

Stick to the ’90s.

Tagged , , , , ,

Napoleon (2023). Please be good. Please don’t be shite.

When Ridley gets it right, he gets it very right. I want to see a belter, something magical and magisterial. My hopes and prayers are with all involved.

Tagged , , ,

Killers of the Flower Moon (2023).

I desperately wanted to like this one and did everything to try and absorb something from it but I was sadly … fucking bored from start to end. It was hard work making it to the finish line and my relief at the concluding credits was not something I was expecting.

I found it all a bit tiresome, safe, unadventurous, and wholly unmemorable. I seeked out indelible shots and sequences but couldn’t find any. The characters were too insipid to care about. The score irritated me. And we then get yet another courtroom closure. I can’t think of anything else to remark upon and doubt I will. I’ll never watch this film again.

Time to stick The Departed (2006) on.

Tagged , , , , , , ,

Leprechaun (1993).

Warwick Davis and a pre-Friends (one would hope) Jennifer Aniston in a movie called Leprechaun which is incidentally about a leprechaun on a murderous rampage. I can’t believe at times that these flicks exist and haven’t been erased from history, but here we are. Today, in our distorted, feverish universe of … wokeness, you wouldn’t have a midget playing a leprechaun. There would be uproar, short and tall people picketing screenings because a midget is playing a midget with bad tendencies. But then you’d get the same if the leprechaun would be CGI. “Midgets deserve work.”

Anyway, it’s rubbish. It is, after all, about a leprechaun on the loose.

Tagged , , , , ,

Page Eight (2011).

Nice wee proper slow-burning spy thriller here, with a magnificently creepy Ralph Fiennes cameo as the slippery PM trying to bury the dirt. It’s a movie of subtleties and you really need to pay attention to what the characters say, how they say it, and what they omit which you think they would say. Finely acted, tightly plotted, no irritating characters, well shot.

Worth a watch.

Tagged , , , ,

Devil in a Blue Dress (1995).

Despite my deep admiration for Denzel’s acting gifts, this movie is of little note, and I lost all interest with the central murder or anything that anyone was taking about. There’s not even a good thing about this; it is merely a copycat of Chinatown (1974).

It made no sense. The protagonist is in mortal danger yet keeps rocking back to the danger zone that is his house. Characters bubble away about how awful they have all been, but only when there’s a gun to their heads. Three goon cops – one of them Tom Sizemore – keep arriving with the same roughhouse antics over and over. 

It was all just a pain to watch despite the perfectly fine performances. If it were even shot well I’d recommend it for something – but nah. Boring, boring, boring, more boring. 

A boring film. 

Tagged , , , , , , , ,

This lad Joe Queenan ‘gets’ Scorsese.

https://www.theguardian.com/film/2023/oct/20/martin-scorsese-killers-flower-moon-raging-bull-goodfellas-casino-wolf-wall-street

‘Scorsese understands that moviegoers are essentially tourists: they want to get a glimpse of depravity but then retreat to the safety of their own humdrum lives. It’s not that Scorsese approves of the toxic masculinity that permeates his films. It’s just that toxic masculinity is a cornerstone of American life – and the public are fascinated by bad behaviour.’

Well ….

Tagged , , ,