Tag Archives: Planes

The AAirpass actually exists.

2-2

It was sold for a one-time fee of $250k in an attempt by a cash-strapped American Airlines to raise revenue without having to borrow from the banks. Unfortunately (for them), they didn’t factor in just the levels of dedication the 28 pass holders (flying addicts) would bring to the agreement. Millions have been lost in fares and taxes, and a bloke by the name of Steve Rothstein, an investment banker from Chicago, was their number one ‘abuser’.

He took more than 10,000 flights and essentially circumnavigated the globe a zillion times before AA had enough of the geezer and managed to revoke his privileges. They cited various ‘fraudulent activities’ such as his habit of cancelling reservations or letting strangers use his companion pass (extra cost $150k).

This guy is a hero. Imagine the movie. I think you’d need to insert something more than comedy into proceedings, make it all Terrence Malick with the transcendental freedom of travel (until nasty corporation breaks the contract) the main theme. Or get a meagre Ryanair version made.

Of the 28 AAirpasses purchased, 25 are still valid.

Further reading:

https://thehustle.co/aairpass-american-airlines-250k-lifetime-ticket/

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2019/sep/19/american-airlines-aairpass-golden-ticket

https://www.economist.com/gulliver/2012/05/13/fly-anywhere-any-time-for-life

https://www.scoopwhoop.com/steve-rothstein/

Tagged , , , , ,

Qantas Airways – New York to Sydney.

map-13

19 hours nonstop from New York City to Sydney, 40 passengers and crew monitored by scientists on board to determine the effects of the mammoth endeavour. What the fuck do you do to amuse yourself on a plane for 19 hours? Halfway through my 11-hour flight to Tokyo I began to feel like a part of me had died inside, though this may have been the effect of the new Planet of the Apes movie I was watching. On those chimp movies, I don’t get all the fuss over them. Fucking drivel. If I want to see chimpanzees I can just wander around some of the rougher enclaves of Edinburgh.

apes+feature+02

A typical Dalry boozer.

This flight, however. You’re going to need climbing frames and batting cages in the cabin, or a circus show to pass the time. Nevertheless, it’s an impressive feat. Nearly 10,000 miles in just a day. Not bad at all.

22qantas-articleLarge

Further reading:

https://nypost.com/2019/08/23/qantas-to-test-worlds-longest-flight-at-19-hours-between-nyc-and-sydney/

https://robbreport.com/motors/aviation/could-you-handle-a-20-hour-flight-qantas-is-testing-nonstop-trips-from-new-york-to-sydney-to-see-2865430/

https://matadornetwork.com/read/exercises-can-long-haul-flight-without-looking-like-weirdo/

Tagged , , , , , , , , ,

Airport meltdowns.

I was verily addicted to this show-stopper back in the day. EasyJet, Stelios, staff who couldn’t give a fuck about enforced politeness, wannabe passengers who are so stupid you wonder how they managed to emerge from bed without causing nuclear fallout. There’s something about airports that brings out the inner tosspot in the human species. It’s a sociologist’s paradise, as John Cooper Clarke would have put it.

Tagged , , , , , , ,

MH370 – five years on.

MH370-crash-4

MH370 is the 2010s very own version of Amelia Earhart, and we may never definitively know what happened; even if the black box somehow washes up on a Tom-Hanks-and-Wilson island, it’ll be beyond repair given the more than five years of aimless swimming.

Its disappearance has irrevocably changed aviation, though.

The FAA has mandated that by 2020 all commercial aircraft are to be equipped with transponders having ADS-B out capability, meaning the plane’s location can be detected in real time.

Automatic-Dependent-Surveillance-Broadcast-ADS-B-data-transmission

The Global Aeronautical Distress and Safety System (GADSS) will from January 2021 ensure that airlines report all of their planes positions every 15 minutes. In addition, the International Civil Aviation Organization (ICAO) mandated that on aircraft built from 2022, those flights in distress will have to report their position to air traffic control every minute, and that all underwater locator beacons last 90 days instead of 30.

A further change initiated by the ICAO is the requirement that planes made from 2021 include 25-hour voice recorders so there will be a record not only of the flight but the cockpit preparations.

What one can’t account for is human error and, though a very infrequent event, the mental instability and criminal intent of the pilots. That’s the elephant on the plane; some folk are just nutters undetected by background and periodic checks (if any). In the wake of the Germanwings Flight 9525 crash in 2015, someone suggested to me there should be a system in place for a team of controllers on the ground to remotely override the pilot’s commands were he to go loco. It’s something to think about, however outlandish.

Further reading:

https://www.independent.co.uk/travel/news-and-advice/mh370-malaysia-airlines-missing-plane-disappearance-investigation-final-report-mystery-unsolved-a8803836.html

https://edition.cnn.com/2019/03/08/us/mh370-fifth-anniversary-malaysia-flight-370-space-based-global-tracking/index.html

https://www.theguardian.com/world/2019/mar/07/mh370-five-years-of-theories-about-one-of-aviations-greatest-mysteries

Tagged , , , , , , ,

Airport security pre 9/11.

tsa_lax_050211getty

Waiting at the gate is an exploit I remember from that Friends episode (“The One with Ross’s New Girlfriend”, 1995) when Rachel – peak Jennifer Aniston with flowers in hand – waits for Ross returning from China, only for him to emerge with a new missus. Much like the whimsical innocence of mid-’90s sitcoms, we’ll never see such things in an airport again.

Looking at pre-9/11 airports is as if being confronted with an alien entity – the lax rules, the laissez-faire atmosphere of the buildings, the … freedom of the places. I flew on about seven flights prior to September 11, and even as a teenager I recall the airport endeavour was a doddle, much like crucifixion in the Python cinematic universe. It explains the success of the hijackers, especially when you consider box cutters and small knives were permitted on certain aircraft at the time.

I don’t think anyone with a modicum of concern for their own or another’s safety is bothered about making the ‘sacrifices’ of conforming to post-9/11 air travel rules. No bottle of Volvic allowed from outside the airport? Diddums. It’s a small price to pay.

The awfulness stems from interaction with passengers who are thick as fuck, and these are voluminous. Airports appear to be a breeding ground for the bottom-rung IQ scale of the general public. I’m talking about fuckers who line up at the conveyor belt oblivious to the omniscient signs on display indicating the liquid prohibitions, clowns who try and smuggle Prosecco on board, the haughty lot who protest at taking their shoes off, the numpties who insist on walking through the metal detector with a pocket full of shrapnel.

They are the real pain in the arse.

Further reading:

https://www.farecompare.com/travel-advice/9-ways-security-has-changed-since-911/

https://www.theguardian.com/world/2017/jun/29/my-short-life-as-an-airport-security-guard

https://www.cntraveler.com/story/how-airport-security-has-changed-since-september-11

https://www.cheatsheet.com/culture/things-you-could-do-at-an-airport-before-9-11.html/

Tagged , , , , , , ,

The Airbus A380 superjumbo is done.

5c535331d7ab670292531998-2732-13662021 and that’s the end for the Gulliver of the skies. Airbus – Boeing’s apparent nemesis – announced this month that their double-deck four-engine behemoth with its looney range of 8,500 nautical miles (with plush onboard bars), will no longer be made once its last deliveries are finished in 2021. Emirates were Airbus’ biggest customer, but once they cut their orders it was game over.

_105630132_gettyimages-1061455814

It’s another example of the economics simply not working despite the superior aesthetics on display, airlines opting for smaller twin-engine planes, i.e., more efficient, cost-friendly orders.

It’s not exactly a Greek tragedy but a bit of a shame. As James Cameron (perhaps apocryphally) once said, “Bigger is better.” However, we will still see the existing colossal beasts rampaging through the clouds in the decades to come and then, presumably, dwindle away like the Dreadnought battleship of the early 20th century, sold for scrap metal or converted into a niche hotel for plane spotters who habitually wear Concorde pyjamas.

Sad.

Further reading:

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/business-47225789

https://newatlas.com/airbus-a380-cease-deliveries/58486/

https://www.theguardian.com/business/2019/feb/14/passengers-love-airbus-a380-but-it-never-fully-took-off-with-buyers

Tagged , , , ,

Flughafen Berlin Brandenburg Willy Brandt – the Neverending Story.

da0559965a2ee384756817c6b023c7df_standard

This airport – with carriers Easyjet, Germanwings, and Lufthansa set to dominate the runways – is now apparently meant to be operating in 2022, though this deadline changes every month. German so-called efficiency is down the pan with this mishap; construction started in 2006 when I had just emerged from Blue WKDs. It’s almost as if the nostalgia-afflicted aficionados for Schönefeld Airport and its GDR connotations have sabotaged the project, and Willy Brandt isn’t exactly a cool name (much unlike the rather dapper statesman).

Berlin

Trying to understand the myriad fuck-ups that can afflict a bunch of runways (this place was meant to have opened in 2011) is more difficult, I imagine, than Forrest Gump attempting a Will Hunting equation on a Fisher-Price calculator. Berlin is a beastly, glorious experience, however, so I can’t wait to wander around this airport in an attempt to pap a midget clutching a miniature bottle of Jägermeister.

Further reading:

https://edition.cnn.com/travel/article/new-airports-and-terminals/index.html

https://onemileatatime.com/berlin-brandenburg-airport/

https://edition.cnn.com/travel/article/berlin-brandenburg-airport-debacle/index.html

https://centreforaviation.com/analysis/reports/berlins-brandenburg-airport-opportunity-in-a-long-haul-vacuum-443298

Tagged , , , , , ,

Concorde Mark II – the Boom Overture.

bbs0hxd

The Overture, the commercial airline of company Boom Supersonic, is on the cards. Edinburgh to Vancouver in four hours – the beasts flying at twice the speed of sound –  is just one of the many transocean routes being drafted.

The luxury vehicle – going nuts at 1,451 mph/Mach 2.2 and with the same fuel consumption as subsonic aircraft – will house a mere 55 seats, half the capacity of Concorde, but will be 30 times quieter. The XB-1, a half-scaled prototype, starts test flights this year. One imagines the fuckers with pitchforks in Nevada (where else?) will still be whingeing about the supersonic bantz outclassing cropdusters even when they can’t see or hear the former.

airliner-interior-3

Just look at that snap. It’s a wee bit missing from perfection, though. No one minds their own business on planes unless it’s a Gordon Gekko number; I’ve seen air stewards peek through artfully discreet holes in bog doors because the temporary inhabitant has taken more than three minutes to turd, wipe, and wash. My dream is this snap but with a metal curtain obscuring the view of me straddling a blow-up velociraptor (selfie craic) and regurgitating the Ross Geller voice.

Anyway, the 1973 FAA ban on supersonic air travel over the United States baffles many of us. Airlines, however, have ordered 30 of these Overtures and a review of outdated legislation is approaching. I’ll see you on one of these bad boys paid for with my swag from robbing the local Post Office.

Further reading:

https://www.independent.co.uk/travel/news-and-advice/son-of-concorde-supersonic-aircraft-plane-jet-speed-virgin-steve-jobs-widow-travel-subsonic-a8718911.html

https://www.geekwire.com/2019/boom-supersonic-closes-100m-funding-round-overture-faster-sound-jet/

https://reason.com/archives/2016/07/26/how-the-faa-killed-supersonic-flight

 

Tagged , , , , , ,

Ryanair aren’t even the Lada of the skies.

e8618b71d56e610b4a70b9391822fedb

Ryanair are fucking dreadful. A flight with them is always an ordeal. The gate is called and you rock up to find a big fuck-off queue with no plane in sight; the staff are pumped-up scavengers, stalking the heaving gate for any carry-on item with dimensions bigger than a tub of Bold 2-in-1 Washing Capsules; their luggage policy metamorphoses weekly from nuts to bonkers to insane then back to nuts; the interior of the plane makes one sick in its tackiness; you can’t get a wink of sleep for lottery or scratch card announcements and trolley-dollies peddling hyperinflated savoury snacks. What else? Oh yeah, there’s quite the high probability that your flight will be cancelled. This is when the ground staff disappear into a bush which features in a Homer Simpson meme.

21fxeh

Ryanair staff in a crisis.

Worst airline ever. Yet we still fly with them in droves because we’re either poor or miserly.

Tagged , , , , ,

Tenzing–Hillary Airport.

 

lukla-nepal-airport

An (alleged) airport a snail-crawling 25 miles from Mount Everest, with no radar system and entirely comprising a single 500-metre runway built into a cliff, I read that Sir Edmund Hillary himself oversaw its construction and that locals were ploughed with liquor (no one will reveal what kind) and asked to perform a ‘foot-stomping dance’ to flatten the soil and make it suitable for landing. I can picture the whole endeavour as a garish episode lifted from a peak Werner Herzog movie, with a Klaus Kinski Svengali lording over the ‘indigenous’, the martinet a grizzly Bavarian launching battered shoes and Jägermeister at them. This shockingly isn’t an apocryphal story, and the airport, a.k.a. ‘It’s a Trap’, was only paved in 2001.

It’s an appropriate precursor to an attempted scaling of Everest. The danger aspect would overwhelm this fat bastard and inject hubris into proceedings – “If I survive this landing the worst is over and I can surely surmount the beastly mountain.”

The list of accidents on the Wikipedia entry is a most disconcerting read, and I wouldn’t recommend watching one of the many bumpy landings should an upcoming flight be on the cards. Fuck knows how a plastered Denzel would have coped. As a passenger, I’d be stammering out of my mind on crystal meth birthed from Walter White’s RV just to endure the experience.

Further reading/viewing:

https://www.news.com.au/travel/travel-advice/health-safety/inside-the-worlds-most-dangerous-airport/news-story/21519b748e67fe5b14dca1c00d14372c

https://www.tibettravel.org/everest-base-camp-trek-in-nepal/airport-for-ebc-trek-in-nepal.html

Tagged , , , , , , ,